Let’s start off with an intro, my name is Esmeraly. I am a SAHM (stay at home mother) to two great kids. My son is three years old he’s aggressive, energetic and full of love. My daughter is all but three months old but is already wise beyond her years. My amazing husband is a truck driver, we have been married for four years and together seven. My journey as a wife and mother has been emotional in many ways. There’s been joy, sadness, depression, frustration the list goes on. One thing that has never changed is the God I serve. Days like these I find not too many want to hear about him, some don’t even believe but he’s proven himself true to me far too many times for me not to believe.
So if you haven’t guessed it yet I am a christian. I’ll tell you why I believe, if you know me and are reading this you’ve probably heard about it. When my husband and I got married in 2014 I got baby fever fast! Although we had agreed on waiting five years before trying I yearned to have children. Deep down I always feared I couldn’t have kids. Five months into our marriage I took a pregnancy test and found out we were expecting our first baby. We were excited, nervous, you name it! Plans to move out of our studio apartment quickly began. A few months into my pregnancy I noticed a shift in my emotions. I wrote them off, hid them even and unfortunately it snowballed. By the time I gave birth to my son I was so deep into my depression that I could barely function.
The weight of it all left me guilty and in fear. Was I a bad mother for having postpartum depression? I would look at my son and cringe. When he cried it was as though my back was being stabbed. I couldn’t even cry, I was numb. I finally began to open up about a year and a half in. I was drowning! Fast forward about a year to the day I took a pregnancy test. My husband and I had agreed on trying for baby number two. This test was very light but nonetheless positive. I remember taking a picture and sending it to my husband but crying because he didn’t see anything. Was it positive? My heart ached, my mind raced. I held the test in every angle possible. Filtered the picture in negative, shined a light underneath. I felt foolish, obsessed. Shortly after I began cramping, bleeding, I felt weak. A few days passed and I found myself sitting in the doctors office. He confirmed that I had a chemical pregnancy. My worst fear coming true, a miscarriage. I was a ball of emotions, depressed, physically achy and hurt.
Trying to heal I leaned on God, at the moment it was all I truly had. He kept me, gave me closure and comfort. He gave me peace. By the summer of that year I was able to be more open about my experience without breaking down. I felt stronger physically and mentally, and ready to try again. I was attending a class at my church one night when a woman in our group received a prophetic word from the Lord.
Hannah, Hannah, Hannah! My heart skipped a beat, but I remained calm. My Pastor then said that there was someone who had been asking the Lord to conceive to please come forward. The first woman went forward and I thought “it wasn’t for me” then the second went forward and I quickly followed. Our eyes filled with tears as the group surrounded us to pray. I remember thinking “wow God you heard me.” “Every tear I cried you saw, every prayer now answered.” We all were pregnant by the end of that year and each gave birth to baby girls. They also all carry Grace as their middle names. Here’s why; Hannah means grace.