Impact

Our daughter was dedicated yesterday at our home church, most call them christenings. Yesterday morning we got up and began prepping to head to church. The morning seemed a little hectic. Nonetheless we rushed out after everyone was ready and made it on time. I remember feeling so nervous for some reason mixed with excitement and anticipation. The moment we got on stage I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

My daughter wore the most beautiful white dress, a cute bow on her head and stockings with the tiniest shoes on her feet. She looked gorgeous! The Pastor performing the dedication was emotional as she had been there the night the prophesy was given. She began to speak into my daughter’s life. The impact that she will make to those she encounters, lives she will transform. Fighting back tears I listened and had this moment of gratitude and awe.

A child I prayed for here, with a purpose that no force can stop. Realizing how God will use you and your children will leave you speechless. And seeing a promise and a prophesy fulfilled will too. There’s something powerful in knowing that we are raising prophets, evangelists and world changers to name a few. Yesterday we made a commitment before many witnesses that we will raise our daughter but also our son in the ways of the Lord. And though He blessed us with her, we gave her back so that He may use her for His glory.

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The Drawer

A majority of us have it, it’s where all the miscellaneous items get shoved into. Random items like, loose nails, screws, papers, birthday candles and batteries. It’s the last drawer in the corner of the kitchen counter. It’s dark and gets neglected until one day you open it and realize that all you’ve done is throw unnecessary things into a place no one can see. The famous junk drawer!

Ours had the items listed above and then some. I found some cool things like a Canadian cent but mainly a lot of garbage. I grabbed a bag and tossed 90% of what was in there then it hit me, what are we hiding mentally or emotionally that needs a good cleaning? It’s not the first time I “clean” the drawer out but it’s also something I’ve never stopped filling with garbage.

On the surface you wouldn’t have known that there were things hidden that have honestly been there for years. Untouched, shoved in the back with no purpose. And let’s be honest, when I said it’s not the first time I “clean” it I meant reorganized it. Stacks of opened mail, photos, expo dry erase markers, extra screws that come with furniture. Junk, junk and more junk!

So what are you holding onto physically but also mentally and emotionally? You look fine on the outside but there’s that space in your mind and heart where you compartmentalize junk. Toxic relationships, insecurities, depression and offense to name a few. Some cool and good things like my Canadian cent? A talent or some skill? Things you’ve forgotten about, use on a regular and things that have no use.

If you have a junk drawer, clean it out and stop calling it a junk drawer! And if you’re hiding things in a mental junk drawer or in your heart clean that too. Chances are you’ll find a lot and feel a whole lot better when you’re done.

No Name

Hey all, so I took a small break from writing because honestly I didn’t wanna force it. Tonight I found myself once again facing these thoughts/questions I can guarantee we all have at one point or another. Almost silly when I say them out loud as I type. “What do they have that I don’t?”, “Am I a likable person?”, “Why do they get all the attention?”…

As I sat in my living room with just my happy baby girl chatting away these thoughts kept screaming at me. But then God whispers..“The energy you waste focusing on those things should be spent on what I say of you”. There’s a reason why I was built differently, and not only does he like that about me he LOVES that about me! And while I sit here wondering why someone else is getting more attention I failed to realize that God wants my attention and that I have his.

These very thoughts are lies from the enemy who tries to distract me/us from going deeper with the Lord. The lie that says “you’re not loved”..”not worth it”..”they don’t like you”..”you have no name”. The lie that has you seeking validation from people. It’s important to recognize them and call them out, to send them back where they came from. To know that God uses everyone differently and that just because he is using someone in one area doesn’t mean he isn’t using you in another.

So if you are like me at this moment, I urge you to reflect and refocus your attention on God. And dare I say stop being jealous (truth be told I have been) of your fellow brothers and sisters in the Lord. Seek him and ask him to reveal his plans for you. And when those thoughts creep in remember where to send them. You are loved, worthy and have a name..

Promises

I’ll be sharing as the Lord directs me and I hope you are all enjoying my blogs so far. As I was just washing up my dishes getting ready to prep dinner I found myself reflecting on the promises of God in my life. A few have been answered, some are unraveling and other’s will come when he sees fit. I don’t know about you but the waiting process seems super long at times (and most are), in those moments you get a sense of desperation and fear of “what if it doesn’t happen”, I know I did…here are two scriptures that come to mind;

 2 Corinthians 1:20 (ESV) says; “For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory.” 

I remember having to repeatedly say “yes and amen” waiting to get pregnant with my daughter. Having to come to terms that it may happen later than what I wanted. I had to learn how to trust and lean on God. To be patient! But of course the fear and lies crashed in, the doubt hovered like a thick cloud in the sky. And then..

Joshua 21:45 (ESV)“Not one word of all the good promises that the Lord had made to the house of Israel had failed; all came to pass.” 

It was that scripture that tore me up, the scripture that my Pastor shared last December in a sermon. It was that scripture that gave me hope, that pushed me to fully trust the Lord and accept that he doesn’t break promises. To accept that he doesn’t make promises to put on a show, or to put your hopes up. And you know what happened the next day? I found out I was pregnant! 

So I hope this encourages you to hold on, to shame the devil and his lies! I pray that you get a new dose of patience and truly trust God. I pray you know that he doesn’t make empty promises. And lastly that when the doubt presses in you can boldly declare..”All of your promises are yes and amen, none have failed and all come to pass”.

Empowered

“What is my purpose?” If you’re like me you’ve probably asked yourself this question a few times throughout your life. I myself have found this question lingering too many times to count over the past three years. In those three years God has been revealing in increments exactly what it is. Not only has he been doing this but he has placed me around people who also see it. Funny that he does that, for me personally I have a bad habit of being doubtful. I tend to limit myself at times, not believing that I’m capable of doing great things. Hence, why he shows others.

In the midst of showing me, he’s been tearing down A LOT of walls. He’s undoing old ways and peeling back layers of hurt, numbness, self-doubt and insecurity to name a few. And like a piece of clay he’s been kneading me, pushing out all those things that don’t belong before placing me in the fire. Not gonna lie it hurts! I’ve had to accept losing things, swallow some hurt. I look back now and see all those things caused growth. There’s beauty in him molding you into a masterpiece.

So back to purpose. You ask him, sometimes it seems he’s silent (completely normal by the way). Sometimes it’s a small piece and you think, “what am I supposed to do with this?” I imagine he chuckles and says, “wait and see.” And then the day comes where he gives you more than expected. He tells you “take this, trust me and jump.” Still, there’s a process. Not all fun but all the more necessary. I have a long way to go I imagine, but the people who are around me empower me to keep going. They motivate me to not limit myself and they see and speak out the qualities God specifically designed me for. In the meantime, I wait…

My story

Let’s start off with an intro, my name is Esmeraly. I am a SAHM (stay at home mother) to two great kids. My son is three years old he’s aggressive, energetic and full of love. My daughter is all but three months old but is already wise beyond her years. My amazing husband is a truck driver, we have been married for four years and together seven. My journey as a wife and mother has been emotional in many ways. There’s been joy, sadness, depression, frustration the list goes on. One thing that has never changed is the God I serve. Days like these I find not too many want to hear about him, some don’t even believe but he’s proven himself true to me far too many times for me not to believe. 

So if you haven’t guessed it yet I am a christian. I’ll tell you why I believe, if you know me and are reading this you’ve probably heard about it. When my husband and I got married in 2014 I got baby fever fast! Although we had agreed on waiting five years before trying I yearned to have children. Deep down I always feared I couldn’t have kids. Five months into our marriage I took a pregnancy test and found out we were expecting our first baby. We were excited, nervous, you name it! Plans to move out of our studio apartment quickly began. A few months into my pregnancy I noticed a shift in my emotions. I wrote them off, hid them even and unfortunately it snowballed. By the time I gave birth to my son I was so deep into my depression that I could barely function. 

The weight of it all left me guilty and in fear. Was I a bad mother for having postpartum depression? I would look at my son and cringe. When he cried it was as though my back was being stabbed. I couldn’t even cry, I was numb. I finally began to open up about a year and a half in. I was drowning! Fast forward about a year to the day I took a pregnancy test. My husband and I had agreed on trying for baby number two. This test was very light but nonetheless positive. I remember taking a picture and sending it to my husband but crying because he didn’t see anything. Was it positive? My heart ached, my mind raced. I held the test in every angle possible. Filtered the picture in negative, shined a light underneath. I felt foolish, obsessed. Shortly after I began cramping, bleeding, I felt weak. A few days passed and I found myself sitting in the doctors office. He confirmed that I had a chemical pregnancy. My worst fear coming true, a miscarriage. I was a ball of emotions, depressed, physically achy and hurt.

Trying to heal I leaned on God, at the moment it was all I truly had. He kept me, gave me closure and comfort. He gave me peace. By the summer of that year I was able to be more open about my experience without breaking down. I felt stronger physically and mentally, and ready to try again. I was attending a class at my church one night when a woman in our group received a prophetic word from the Lord. 

Hannah, Hannah, Hannah! My heart skipped a beat, but I remained calm. My Pastor then said that there was someone who had been asking the Lord to conceive to please come forward. The first woman went forward and I thought “it wasn’t for me” then the second went forward and I quickly followed. Our eyes filled with tears as the group surrounded us to pray. I remember thinking “wow God you heard me.” “Every tear I cried you saw, every prayer now answered.” We all were pregnant by the end of that year and each gave birth to baby girls. They also all carry Grace as their middle names. Here’s why; Hannah means grace.